Scraps of Stupidity
by Saelan
Summary: These are just little dialogues that I wrote a while back that I thought I'd add, simply because I was bored. Enjoy, if you survive! 05/06/07/10
1. Can I Help?

With the last of the exams finally done, Peter isn't sure what to do with all of the spare time he has.

Peter: Hey, Remus!

Remus: What, Wormtail?

Peter: What are you doing?

Remus: Trust me when I say that it's nothing concerning you.

Peter: Wouldn't you rather be doing something else?

Remus: Like... what?

Peter: How about playing Gobstones?

Remus: No thank you, Peter. I have a bet with James that I'll get 140 on Potions, 125 on Charms, and 200 on Transfiguration.

Peter: Why are you so worried?

Remus: I bet ALL of my money on it.

Peter: YOU made a bet?!?

Remus: Yes, now if you don't mind, I would like to finish this essay for Slughorn.

Peter: I'll help!

(Remus grimaces.)

Remus: No you won't.

Peter: Come on! I'll go get my copy of...

Remus: Peter, I don't need any help!

Peter: Are you sure?

Remus: I'm very sure.

Peter: Okay, then. I guess I'll see you later...

(Remus looks up and rolls his eyes in Peter's direction.)

Peter: Hello, Prongs! Where have you been?

James: Helping Sirius.

Peter: Doing what?

James: Can't tell you.

Peter: Why?

James: Two reasons: one is that you'd tell everybody.

Peter: What's the other one?

James: I just don't want to tell you.

Peter: Oh. Do you want to play chess?

(James laughs and smirks.)

James: I will if you can find the black king and the white knight. You've found them by now, right?

Peter: No. I'm still looking, though.

James: Well, let me know when you've found them.

Peter: Okay. Do you want to raid the kitchens?

James: Uh... no. Maybe later.

Peter: Do you want to go annoy Filch?

James: Not today.

Peter: You said that yesterday, and the day before, and the day...

James: And I'll say it again tomorrow. I have to find Lily to get some more daisy roots.

Peter: Alright. See you at dinner then...

(James leaves, laughing his head off.)

Peter: Sirius!

Sirius: What? I'm a little busy right now!

Peter: Do you want to help me find my chess pieces.

(Sirius snickers.)

Sirius: Not really.

Peter: Oh. Can I help you, then?

Sirius: Remember the last time you helped? Simply put: no!

Peter: Come on! It'll be fun!

Sirius: For you maybe...

Peter: Please! I really want to help!

Sirius: Wormtail, if you can prove to me that the T on your last Potions exam was a joke, then you can help.

Peter: What's that shiny thing?

Sirius: None of your business.

Peter: Can I have it?

Sirius: No, Peter, you can't. Now, would you please leave before I decide to dump this on your head?

Peter: What is it?

Sirius: You don't want to know.

Peter: Why?

Sirius: Just get out of here, or I'll rip your arm off!

(Sirius growls and Peter runs out of the room.)

Peter returns to the common room and glumly sits in front of the fire, wondering if the situation would be any better if he was in Slytherin. Probably not.

Peter: Some friends they are...


	2. A Conversation About Nothing

(James and Sirius are playing Wizard's Chess on the floor of the dormitory with Peter snoring on his bed and Remus studying for the upcoming Transfiguration exam.)

Sirius: Hello.

James: Goodbye.

Sirius: Whatever.

James: Did you study?

Sirius: No, got better things to do. You?

James: No way. Got better fish to fry.

Sirius: You fried Lily?

James: Ha, ha. Really funny.

Sirius: Thank you.

James: You're not welcome.

Sirius: I don't want you to leave my food alone.

James: I never did? I only didn't steal that burnt potato.

Sirius: House elves burn food; Snape didn't do it.

James: He didn't? Maybe that's why I didn't spend two days in the Hospital Wing.

Sirius: I don't hate him.

James: I do love him.

Sirius: I know you don't.

James: Who didn't ask you? What don't you know, anyway?

Sirius: You deny it! You really don't love Snivellus, huh?

James: Don't shut up or I won't punch you.

Sirius: Please do. I really won't kill you if you don't.

James: I know you do mean that, Padfoot.

Sirius: Don't watch me.

James: I will. You're not boring, anyhow.

Sirius: I don't know what you didn't do last summer.

James: Of course you don't; you weren't there.

Sirius: Oh, no. I didn't forget about that since you were interesting.

James: You think I'm interesting?

Sirius: That was sarcasm. You aren't as interesting as a rock.

James: I hope you don't check your food from now on. I won't tell Snape not to do it again.

Sirius: Whatever, Prongs.

Remus: What are you two talking about?

James/Sirius: Nothing.


	3. What Are You Doing?

Sirius: What are you doing, exactly?

James: Nothing. Why?

Sirius: What's new? Anyway, you look like you did something you shouldn't have.

James: I'm trying to find out what to get Lily for her birthday.

Sirius: What for? The only thing she gave you for yours was detention because she told McGonagall you were going to ambush Snivellus.

James: Ah, shut up. She didn't know it was my birthday.

Sirius: Oooh! Defending your girlfriend, are you? How could she NOT know? We destroyed the common room and hung banners everywhere, which you took the pride in tearing down five seconds after you walked in. I told Remus it was a bad idea.

James: She's NOT my girlfriend!

Sirius: She may as well be, considering how often you stick up for her and the fact that you're buying her something for her birthday. You can't escape that, ickle Prongsie!

James: I do NOT like her!

Sirius: Prove it!

James; Remus, tell this annoying, arrogant idiot to get away from me and to stop spreading rumors that I like Evans!

Remus: James says...

Sirius: I heard him. And I'm not the one spreading rumors, it's Peter.

Remus: True, for once.

Sirius: What's that supposed to mean?!?

James: It means that the annoying, arrogant idiot should get lost and leave him alone.

Sirius: But I'm YOUR annoying, arrogant idiot. And I don't want to!

James: I couldn't care less about what you want.

Sirius: Yes you do.

James, No, I don't because I hate you more than Snape!

(Sirius pretends to start crying.)

Remus: What did you do now?

James: Have you not been following?

Remus: Uh...

James: How can you listen to Binns but ignore us?

Remus: PROFESSOR Binns doesn't put me to sleep.

James: You're one of a kind. And crazy.

(Sirius begins to "sob" harder.)

Remus: Let's just put it this way: you guys are a quick cure for insomnia.

Sirius: You're both so mean!

James: This is directed at both of you: like you're not! All YOU do is read and all YOU do is complain and make negative comments about everything!

(Sirius lets out a loud wail and goes into silent "sobs" because he's laughing so hard.)

Remus: Did you really make him cry?

James: No, he's just being stupid. He likes people making fun of him.

Remus: But he's crying...

James: No, he can't breathe. There's a difference that you would notice if you kept your nose out of the books long enough to. When he can breathe, he will sound like a dying hyena, so shut up and don't make him laugh again unless you're sure he'll die from lack of oxygen next time.

Remus: Okay... Morbid, now aren't you?

James: Whatever. Stop laughing you obnoxious whatever you are! IT WASN'T THAT FUNNY!!!

(James kicks him. Sirius yells and punches him in the stomach.)

Sirius: Funny? I think not. That was hilarious!

James: Stop it or I'm going to kick you again! STOP IT!!!

(Remus and Sirius look at each other, then at James.)

Sirius: Sounds like Lily, doesn't he?

Remus: Yeah, I see your point.

Sirius: Uh... Never mind, I'll tell you later. They're so alike it's uncanny!

James: I told you to stop laughing!

(James kicks Sirius in the head twice, but he just keeps laughing.)

James: Stop it!

Sirius: Lot of fun you are. Just like a boggart, afraid laughter will finish you off. Like Snape, kind of.

James: Yeah, if you forgot that 'kind of', your head would be rolling down to the Great Hall, still laughing.

Sirius: And you say we're boring! I'm ashamed of you, Moony!

James: I still hate you, you know.

(He steps forward and Sirius backs away.)

Sirius: YOU STAY AWAY FROM ME!!!!

(Sirius runs into the common room.)

James: Come back, Padfoot! I lurve you!

(James runs after him and Remus follows, shaking his head.)

Remus: And you say I'M crazy!

James: We're all mental. Come here! I'll give you a Sickle!

Sirius: No way! I liked it better when you hated me! GET AWAY!!!

Lily: What are you doing? What did you do to him? I don't doubt that he deserves it, whatever it is, but...

(Bell rings.)

James: We have to go! If we're late again, McGonagall will kill us!

(All three hurry through the portrait hole.)

Remus: That was close! What are we going to do next time?

James: Dunno. We were saved by the bell. That's the first, and probably the last time, I'm ever going to say that.

Sirius: Get away from me, you freaky Lily-lover!


	4. What Now?

Lily: Your friends are very strange.

Remus: Yeah, I know. I don't know what they ate, but...

Lily: What's he doing?

Remus: You mean James? He stole some pastries from the kitchen and now he's... trying to hit Peter with them...

Lily: Some target practice that is! Pettigrew's slower than a dying turtle! ...What are they doing now?

Remus:'Tis no longer they. Sirius is acting normal, which is scary considering how little he does it.

Lily: He's just sitting there. I'm talking about the other pest.

Remus: I haven't the slightest clue, but I think he ran out of food. Oh, he's trying to get the cupcake that got stuck to the ceiling...

Lily: But WHY?

Remus: Dunno. That's one question that even THEY can't answer most of the time!

Lily: What's he doing now?

Remus: Running away from you because Sirius just dropped a chocolate cake on your head. Sorry.

Lily: WHAT?!

Remus: You heard me.

Lily: I'M GOING TO KILL YOU BOTH!!

James: What did I do?

Remus: You trashed the common room, again, and told him to drop the cake on her head. I saw you do it. Besides, you're guilty by association.

James: Ah, shut it.

Lily: I'M GOING TO GET YOU!!

Sirius: Run!

James: No duh, Einstein.

Sirius: Then do it!


	5. Just Another Battle of Insults

Remus: How could you come up with something like THAT?

James: What do you care, Moony?

Remus: I care because if you two idiots get yourselves expelled, I'm stuck with Peter by myself!

Sirius: That's so touching! Most of the time you couldn't care less if we live of die, but for your own personal welfare….

James: Yeah, we wouldn't do that to you! If we're going down…

Sirius: You're coming down with us! Then Peter'll be Snivellus' problem.

(Remus starts laughing at the thought of Peter trailing behind Snape all day.)

Remus: You guys have an answer for everything, don't you?

James: If we don't plan ahead, we'd get caught every time, like Pettigrew.

Sirius: And Snape. Have you ever wondered why he hasn't managed to pull off anything that could remotely count as revenge?

Remus: For a while I did, but I just thought he was one of those people who don't know what they're doing.

Sirius: He is.

Remus: Still, don't you think your theory's a little sick? What did he do to deserve THAT?

James: He exists, and besides, he'll deserve every second of it. We never do more than what the target deserves.

Sirius: You're not going to be able to talk us out of it, you know.

Remus: I've realized that, since you're both too thick-headed to hear or accept what anybody else has to say.

Sirius: If you want to see thick-headed, follow Malfoy around for a day; a sword can't pierce that iron skull of his!

James: You shouldn't be talking.

Sirius: Nor should you, so go stick a cork in it, Prongs.

Remus: Lay off, both of you, or you'll both be going to St. Mungo's.

Sirius: What's that supposed to mean?

James: Shut it.

Sirius: Make me.

James: Okay!

Remus: Both of you shut it or _you'll_ have a broken arm or something, and _you'll_ need a rabies shot because you antagonized dog boy here until he bit you.

Sirius: I think YOU'RE the on who needs to shut it, Lupin.

Remus: Well, excuse me for trying to point out the obvious!

(Lily enters after listening to their conversation for a moment, but she already knows what they're arguing about, seeing as how it's always the same thing….)

Lily: Does it ever end?

Sirius: I dunno, maybe when you get done being sick of us.

Lily: That's never going to happen.

James: Are you sure about that?

Lily: Quite sure, Potter.

Remus: Same here, you two; you honestly need to take a vacation so that WE'LL have a vacation from YOU!

Sirius: To where? La La Land like Wormtail? Sorry Evans, but we're in the middle of term right now, and I don't think McGonagall's going to let us go on holiday in the Bahamas.

Lily: I really don't care where you go, as long as you go AWAY!

James: You're so mean!

(James pretends to start sobbing, but everybody knows he's faking at this point.)

Sirius: What the bloody hell was that?

Remus: Just ignore them. It's not like they're really going to do anything to you, other than bug you.

James: That's where you're wrong, Remie.

Sirius: Prongs, you really need to lay off the pet names.

James: If you don't watch it, I'll freeze you in Animagus form and MAKE you my pet. I'll get you a pretty sparkly pink shock collar, and when I get sick of you, you'd make a nice living room rug.

Sirius: You're five seconds from being the new wall decoration for the common room! I wouldn't even have to clean out the brain, seeing as how you have none!

James: Fair enough.

Lily: How can you people do that?

James: What?

Lily: Threaten each other, then have a decent conversation without a care and like nothing ever happened!

Sirius: Dunno.

(James shrugs and flicks his bottle cap at her.)

Remus: Never ask them "why"…. They'll never be able to give you an answer other than…

James/Sirius: Because.

Lily: You two drive me up the wall.

Sirius: You forgot that you were already up there when we met you.

James: You drive us up the wall, across the ceiling, down the other wall, and out the door.

Sirius: Then down all the stairs to the outskirts of the Forbidden Forest.

Remus: Don't bother.

Lily: Yeah, I know; I never win, do I?

Remus: Nobody ever wins with them.

Sirius: What was that?

James: You're such a pessimist.

Lily: Who made you intelligent?

(James snorts and crosses his arms, trying to look offended.)

Remus: Whatever you do, don't insult them too much. That's how they got locked onto Snape to begin with.

Sirius: You know, Moony, we don't need advice OR a narrator, so why don't you just let her figure things out for herself?

Lily: You have to realize that, so far, he's the only person who can stand either of you enough not to threaten to murder you every fifteen seconds.

James: He has one or twice.

Sirius: Or thrice.

Remus: Okay, fine! Sometimes I can barely stand you, and sometimes you bug me so much that I can't stand you at all!

Sirius: Poor ickle Lupin!

Remus: I need some pest repellent.

James: Ha, ha. You're so funny.

Remus: I know, aren't I?

(The conversation comes to a halt.)

Lily: Uh…. Yeah, I guess you are.

Sirius: Right.

James: Maybe.

Remus: You're all so supportive.

Sirius: Of… what, may I ask?

Remus: Me in general.

Lily: To be quite honest, that really wasn't funny.

Remus: It wasn't _supposed_ to be funny!

Sirius: Then what was it supposed to be?

James: It you meant it to be kind of creepy, then you hit your mark.

Sirius: Perfectly.

Remus: As _he_ always says, shut it!

(The door opens and Snape enters the Three Broomsticks, followed by Malfoy, Goyle, and Bulstrode.)

James: Why don't you go ask him?

Sirius: Why don't you?

James: Because I'm not as stupid as you think I am.

Remus: Oh, go on!

Lily: It'd be funny!

Sirius: You know you want to!

James: You have no idea what I want, because if you did, you'd go away!

Sirius: But you're the one who should get lost!

James: Go lose yourself in the Forbidden Forest!

Sirius: Find yourself: just follow the smell.

(The table erupts into violent laughter.)

Remus: That… that was a good one!

Sirius: Do you know what I'm going to get you for Christmas, Prongs?

James: Do I _want_ to know?

Sirius: I'm going to get you a dozen of those air things that Muggles use, the tree shaped ones, and charm them to follow you around.

James: …You're completely mental.

Sirius: I know, isn't it fun?

James: You're absolutely insane.

Sirius: I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it!

Lily: That should be the personal motto of the Marauders!

Remus: What was that, Lily?

James: Guess what? You're technically a Marauder, so…. You get to suffer WITH and FROM us!

Lily: NO!

(A group of nearby Ravenclaws stare at her for a moment, then return to their hushed conversation which is undoubtedly about them.)

Remus: Hey it's not so bad.

Lily: Easy for you to say…. You've been stuck with them so long that you don't remember what being a normal person feels like!

Sirius: You're not a Utopian, either!

James: Yeah. Nine-tenths of the time you creep me out!

Lily: You might as well be covered with flobberworm guts, all of you, for the amount of time _I_ want to be anywhere _near you_!

James: Your ugly putrid pink crud soaks yours up, so _you_ can't tell _us_ anything!

Lily: Well, you taste like all of the nasty Every Flavor Beans put together!

Sirius: If you don't mind me asking, I'd like to know how you know what he tastes like.

Remus: That's a good question. Is there something you two aren't telling us?

Lily: Shut it and stuff it with dead fried squid, both of you!

Sirius: Now _that's_ disgusting!

James: Calamari, anyone?

Lily: You all drink toilet water!

James: Hey, be nice to Padfoot!

Sirius: Eat slugs, Evans!

Remus: No offense, Lily, but that _was_ kind of weak.

James: WEAK? Not even! That's something a seven year old would say! You need some training, Lily-San.

Lily: If you call me that again, Pomfrey'll be training YOU to cut Devil's Snare!

James: Malicious, now aren't we?

Remus: Where, may I ask?

(Lily grins and looks somewhat evil.)

Lily: You don't want to know.

Sirius: You're demonic. And completely crazy.

James: We need an exorcism over here at table six!

Remus: Shut up or you're going to make a lot of people freak out, you idiot!

James: That's the fun part!

Sirius: No, the fun part's when we drop you on top of the Whomping Willow, so shut it NOW. It's really not funny.

James: Whatever, but ninety-five percent of the time, you're not exactly hilarious, either.

Sirius: It's called intelligence; go get some.

Lily: Remus is the only one who doesn't need a one-thousand percent magnification of his brain to be visible!

Sirius: Thanks for the compliment, but Loopy Lupin's would be nine hundred ninety-nine percent.

James: Peter's would be eight million percent; that's in order to use _our_ thousand.

Sirius: That would be funny if it wasn't just stupid.

James: Who asked you, anyway?

Sirius: I did, so shut it, Prongs!

Lily: You're both idiots, but Sirius has been promoted one-tenth of a percent.

Sirius: See? I am right…. Sometimes.

James: You're so smart, you make Snivellus seem normal.

Sirius: You're so smart, you make Peter look like a genius.

Lily: I think you're both right.

James: Hey, you're not so bright yourself, shorty!

Sirius: Nor you, Moony! Keeping silent doesn't excuse you from stupidity!

Remus: Oh, like you would know if that was true or not! You talk in your sleep!

Sirius: Ah, shut it and eat grilled acromantula!

James: We definitely aren't the brightest bulbs in the chandelier….

Sirius: But Peter's bulb fell and smashed on the floor!

Lily: I agree with you there.

James: You agree with US? I think I'm going to have a heart attack!

Sirius: I said the end of the world would come the day Lily Evans agreed with any of us, so I guess doomsday hath come!

Remus:… You're mental.

Sirius: Like you're at all sane!

James: You can't pretend, either, Padfoot!

Sirius: Ditto to you, Einstein!

Remus: Who was that again?

James: Some crazy Muggle mathematician, I think. I dunno, ask _her_!

Lily: And "her" says to look it up in the library.

James: But it's easier to ask you!

Lily: Easier isn't always better.

Sirius: For other people, usually not, but for us, yeah, it is better. By far, actually. People don't get hurt this way.

Remus: You'll never learn anything if you always go the easy way.

Sirius:… We learn enough.

Remus: You can never learn enough.

Sirius:… Maybe you can't, but we have.

Lily: Like… what?

James: How to make anything levitate.

Sirius: And torment the Slytherins.

James: And annoy everybody on campus at the same time.

Sirius: Including the centaurs.

Lily: We get the point that your feeble little obnoxious minds can't hold anything else.

James: We never said anything of the sort.

Sirius: We said we don't NEED to learn anything else; we already have everything we need.

Lily:… Whatever.

Remus: You can't help but create insanity everywhere you go, can you?

Sirius: We're not _that_ disturbed, Moony.

James: At least _we_ didn't chew up the posts on our beds!

Sirius: We aren't that mental.

James: Yet.

Lily: We should get back to the common room before we get locked out; that wouldn't be a pretty sight.

James: Kind of like Snapey's face!

Remus: Now I agree with _that_!

(They get up and leave the pub in good spirits from their night off from homework and the long weekend ahead.)


	6. The King

Sirius: I'm bored.

James: You're _always_ bored.

Sirius: Maybe that's because you're _bor-ing_!

James: Or maybe it's because you're an _idiot_!

Sirius: You're a paranoid nutcase.

James: You're mentally disturbed.

Sirius: You're so creepy it's terrifying!

Remus: All of that applies to both of you.

Sirius: Who asked _you_, Lupin?

James: Who asked YOU?

Sirius: If you don't watch it, you're going to be in for something awful!

James: Like what? Your face? It doesn't get much worse than that.

Sirius: Look who's talking! Every time somebody _thinks_ about looking at you, they get sick!

James: How would you know?

Sirius: It's the reason I know about a thousand cleaning spells. The vomit doesn't clean itself up, you know.

James: Well, none of them will _ever_ be able to clean up what _you_ eat!

Sirius: There isn't even a _name_ for half the stuff _you_ eat!

Remus: Don't you think this has gone a little too far?

James/Sirius: NO!

Remus: I was just asking. Don't bite my head off, please! I don't want to foam at the mouth like you two.

Sirius: You eat mystery crud! Ha, ha!

James:… You're mental.

Sirius: Thank you, oh crazy one!

James: Are _you_ calling _me_ crazy?

Sirius: Yeah, since you're the most demented of them all!

James: Demented, maybe, but you're the head of all psychopaths!

Sirius: You can't call _me_ a psycho when….

James: If you even suggest that I like Evans in any way, shape, or form, I _will_ murder you.

Sirius: And you'll go to Azkaban and scare all the dementors away because you're so freaking demented already!

Remus: That was pretty good.

James: Shut it, both of you.

Sirius: Why?

James: Because I said so!

Sirius: Since when did we have to listen to you?

James: Since I said so!

Sirius: Oh, so now you're the King of Idiots! That's honestly where you should have started!

James: You just called yourself an idiot.

Sirius: I know.

James: And you just said that I practically own you.

Sirius: No, I said that you're the biggest idiot I've ever seen, hence the word "king".

James: You're still a peasant.

Sirius: You're still the king, sitting on your throne in full-out idiotic glory!

James: Shut it and stuff it!

Sirius: With what? Lily's cooking? I don't know how you're still alive after eating… _that_!

James: You're really pushing it today.

Sirius: What? The liquefied rock that you call a brain? You're so hot-headed it's practically magma!

James: At least I have something other than dead bugs, spider webs, and rats in my skull!

Sirius: You're so hard headed that if you were dropped off the top of the Ministry, you would just bounce up and walk away.

James: You're not much better than me!

Sirius: At least mine doesn't splash around every time I move!

Remus: Why don't you _both_ shut up and go to bed?

Sirius:… What do you mean by "both"?

Remus: You know what I mean.

James: No we don't. Please clarify.

Remus: You always come up with the most idiotic things in the world to say!

Sirius: That's our job, Moony! We're here to bother you and entertain ourselves (as well as others) at the same time.

James: Yeah, we're here to get you and Evans, but the Slytherins are the main target.

Sirius: Especially Snape.

James: So you're not alone.

Sirius: Completely.

James: Like you.

Sirius: Says the King of Idiots.

James: Says my servant.

Sirius: Says the source of all things stupid and disgusting.

James: Says the nuisance who's about to get a permanent nose job, courtesy of the king!

Sirius: Do I look like I care?

James: I dunno, don't really care myself, but you _will_ shortly if you don't shut it!

Sirius: Do you hear something?

Remus: Not really.

Sirius: Oh, it's just the royal idiot talking to himself again. Don't mind him.

James: Whatever. Did you hear Peter muttering to himself this morning? He's going bloody mad!

Sirius: We should knock him out, erase his memory, take him to the Hospital Wing, and suggest St. Mungo's. If nothing else, it'll get him out of our faces for a week or two.

Remus: I hate to agree, but that's actually a good idea. He was bugging me with his chess set again yesterday.

Sirius: WHAT DID YOU DO TO HIM? He actually _agrees_ with _me_!

James: That's surprising; what's gotten into you? And don't say Peter, please.

Remus: You are the King of Disgusting Idiots! Ugh! Too many vomit flavored beans in my food. If he keeps doing it, I'm turning him in to McGonagall.

Sirius: What good would it do? She'd just blame US!

James: Yeah, and he'd just keep doing it.

Remus: That's what I was afraid of.

James: You know…. We could put that new potion in his goblet and throw him out by the lake when he goes to sleep, than take his clothes.

Sirius: Tell the girls he had… something in mind for them.

Remus: You're sick, both of you!

Sirius: Don't you want revenge?

Remus: Of course I do, but not like _that_!

James: Why not?

Remus: Don't you think it's a little harsh? And creepy?

James: Not really.

Sirius: No.

James: You're not the only one who owes Pettigrew something.

Sirius: Or two. He's an evil little malicious freak who needs to be taught a lesson! He almost got me caught with that stupid Anti-Animagus potion the other day!

Remus: If you say so, but I really think you should get him back several times inconspicuously instead of with one huge thing that's going to get you caught.

James: Fine, but you're planning all twenty.

Remus: _Twenty_?

Sirius: Let's just say that we owe him quite a bit.

James: You need to have it done by the thirteenth.

Remus: But that's only two weeks!

James: Yeah, and it's thirteen days more than I should have given you! If you can do the Potions assignments, you can do this! Be gone!

Sirius: Says the king. That's plenty of time, so don't freak.


	7. Bugs

Please keep in mind that this was the first Marauder dialogue I wrote. It's been a while.

James: Hello.

Sirius: What do you want from me?

James: An answer to whether you have a brain or not.

Sirius: You're a real comedian. Now why don't you bugger off like the rest of the flies?

James: Why don't you stalk off like the rest of the cockroaches?

Sirius: Well, you have a crush on a preying mantis. They cut each other's heads off, you know.

James: Oh, shut up before I have to hurt you!

Sirius: I'm so terrified. I've been telling Remus that I need some flypaper for the dorm and he never believed me.

James: I honestly think he needs to find me some of Madame Merkin's Super Stregnth Roach Spray, just for you. Maybe then _you'll_ bugger off!

Sirius: ME? _You_ started this conversation!

James: You continued it!

Sirius: Yeah, well I'll end it too!

(Sirius chases James out of the room, nearly crashing into another Gryffindor on the way out.)


	8. Troll

Lily: I can't believe I failed that test!

Sirius: Relax, Evans! It's only the start of term.

James: Yeah, Slughorn _said_ it was to see if we knew anything about what he'd be teaching this time.

Remus: You're not the only one who wasn't dreading the grade. What I don't understand is how _you two_ passed! You don't even read the textbooks!

Sirius: Lupin, you'd be amazed at what we research in our spare time.

James: Besides, it's not like you're going to be walking around all year with "Troll" stamped on your forehead!

Sirius: Or turn into a troll.

Lily: Only you two idiots would say that. Speaking of idiot, where's Peter?

Remus: Slughorn said he wanted a word with him about forty-three part eight.

James: But there _wasn't_ a forty-three part eight!

Sirius: If he gives us away I'll….

James: He won't give us away! He may be stupid, but he has _some_ sort of a clue. Sometimes.

Sirius: Imbecile's more the word.

Lily: Neither of you should be talking.

Sirius: Nor should you, Miss Troll!

Remus: Okay, you three. We get the point. Back off.

Sirius: Make me, Moony.

James: I'll gladly do it for you. I heard the Menagerie in Diagon Alley has a sale on muzzles made from pure silver, that way Remus can't help you escape.

Remus: Don't drag me into this!

Sirius: What do you mean "escape"? What the bloody hell are you thinking about?

James: I didn't mean it _that_ way!

Sirius: Anyway…. Simply put, you two don't give us enough credit, and Prongsie here needs to find a new hobby that doesn't include threatening me all the time!

James: You know, you need a brain.

Sirius: You need a sense of humor.

Lily: You both need lives.


	9. Just A Joke

This takes place after "Some Summer".

(Lily, Remus, James, Sirius, and Peter are sitting in the Three Broomsticks the week before the Christmas holidays.)

Lily: Are any of you leaving for the break?

Peter: I am. I'm going to visit my cousin in Russia.

James: (Sarcastically.) Lucky you. I'm staying, that way I can get some work done.

Lily: Like… what?

James: Snapey Time, that's what.

Sirius: Don't forget Malfoy; he deserves a pound of vomit beans for every meal after that detention!

Remus: Don't you guys ever get sick of messing with those two, especially Snape?

James: Messing with them, no, but THEM, yes!

Sirius: Yeah, them and all of their little groupies. Don't you?

Lily: I know I am, but I'm sick of you guys, too. Except for Remus, because he doesn't bug me.

Sirius: Excuse me!

Lily: You heard me.

James: Loud and clear.

(Lily elbows James and starts a small skirmish.)

Peter: What about me?

Lily: Uh….

Sirius: Wormtail… You're spe-cial.

James: And you have your own category.

Sirius: All by yourself.

James: Alone.

Sirius: At last.

(Peter pouts and starts playing with his butter beer cap.)

Remus: Why do you always torment him?

James: Because it's fun.

Sirius: Would you like to take his place?

Remus: No thank you.

Sirius: Didn't think you would. What about you, Lily?

Lily: Uh, no. Why would I do something stupid like that?

James: Dunno. But are you sure?

Lily: Sure to Alpha Centauri and back. Twice.

Sirius: You're no fun!

Lily: Well, it's better than being flat out obnoxious like you!

Sirius: Bring it on, Evans!

Remus: Both of you stop it or I'll tie you both in the Shack until you sort out your differences.

(Lily and Sirius look at each other and cringe. Lily sticks out her tongue and Sirius pretends to start gagging. Remus covers his mouth to keep from laughing, James falls off his chair, and Peter ignores them all.)

Sirius: What's _wrong_ with you, Lupin?

James: Yeah, Moony! That was just sick!

Sirius: She likes you, and you like her, so shut it Prongs, and find him something nasty and rotten while you're at it!

James: As you always say, MAKE me!

Sirius: Do you want something rotten, too? How 'bout some Crud?

Lily: Some what?

James: Long story; I'll tell you later.

Sirius: Yeah, on your BED!

Remus: It's better than yours!

James/Lily: Remus!

Sirius: UGH! MY EARS!

James: That was SO wrong!

Sirius: But anyway, back to you two! We still all have to listen to it!

James: You're going to be in real shock once I'M done with you!

Sirius: And what do you mean by that?

James: You'll find out soon enough…. As for you….

Lily: You're now officially on my list of pests, all of you!

James: I forgive Remus, somewhat. But YOU had better start running!

Sirius: I'm so terrified!

(Sirius picks up a bottle cap and flicks it at James, who scowls in good humor and pins him against the wall with the table.)

James: You had better be, Siri.

Sirius: Stop calling me that!

James: Make… me.

(Sirius growls and returns the table in James' direction, knocking Peter to the floor and causing a roar of laughter as he gets soaked with butter beer.)

James: That was mean, Siri! Apologize to him!

Sirius: I'm sorry, Wormtail, for JIMMY'S complete idiocy. Go eat grass, Potter!

(Peter gets up and storms out of the pub, heading back to the castle.)

Remus: What's wrong with you people? No wonder you don't have any friends!

Sirius: We have YOU to bug!

James: Yeah, it's not like we want Snape or anybody else on our side. You're good enough.

Lily: Only good enough? He's been pulling off the highest grades in our year since we started at Hogwarts, and he's only "good enough"?

James: Pretty much.

Sirius: I agree. He may be the smartest, but he's a coward. He doesn't want to get in trouble, and he complain that he never gets to help.

James: That covers most of the ground.

Remus: Whatever. See what happens when you need help on your star charts. Don't forget: I'm only "good enough".

Lily: What about Peter?

James: What about him?

Sirius: Let's just say… he's BELOW standard.

Lily: How far?

Sirius: Leagues.

Remus: That's what I thought.

James: You thought?

Sirius: Unlike you!

James: Padfoot, you're two seconds away from visiting the animal shelter. Permanently.

Sirius: You know you don't mean that!

James: Make IT required.

Sirius: Now you're just getting sick! Again.

James: How about two weeks?

Sirius: For what?

James: Do you really think I'd send you to a no-kill shelter?

Lily: James!

Remus: You had better watch it or you'll be crawling back to the castle with one limb.

Lily: Alone.

James: Oh, sure, stick up for him, will you?

Remus: You know very well that it's for your own good.

Sirius: Yeah, shut it, Potter!

James: Now THAT sounds like a Slytherin!

(Sirius starts growling softly, then leans back and crosses his arms, putting his feet up on the table.)

Remus: You're being really brave today.

Lily: And very stupid! _He's_ the ONLY one who can stand you 24/7/365!

Sirius: Ickle Prongsie'll be serving all of his detentions all by himself and doing all his essays in the library in a nice little isolated corner.

Remus: Don't get him started.

Sirius: Why? It's funny when he gets mad.

Lily: I know, but unless you want to be tomorrow's entrée….

Sirius: No, I can guarantee that _he'll_ be the one served on a plate.

James: Cannibal!

Sirius: When did I say _I_ would eat _you_? I'd give you to Snape and his cronies, since you're so rotten nobody else deserves you!

(Remus and Lily start laughing, and James and Sirius stare at each other, halfway between glaring and grinning.)

James: Well, you're so bitter that you practically leave a trail of green bitter sludge behind you, so only Snape and Malfoy deserve _you!_

Sirius: You're a mentally disturbed, paranoid, schizophrenic, psychopathic insomniac who's obsessive compulsive, and so repulsive, that the flies are dropping dead from the putrid odor!

(Remus and Lily go silently into hysterics, and James follows soon after.)

James: I didn't understand a word that you said!

Sirius: That's because you're an idiot. Did I forget to include that?

Remus: Yeah, by a long shot!

James: Ah, all of you, go bugger off!

Lily: "Shut it and stuff it" says the King!

Sirius: With what?

Lily: Must I say it?

James: You're sick!

Sirius: You're gruesomely disgusting, as well, your Highness! And you're extremely morbid!

James: That's the best comment I've had all week!

Remus: It's getting dark, and all of the normal people are leaving now. Perhaps we should, too?

Lily: Yeah, we don't need to be locked in Hogsmeade all night.

(They get up and start back towards Hogwarts, following Peter's trail in the snow.)


	10. Snow Ball

~*In loving memory of the mind of A.S. Murray, who has given me yet another brain-murdering story to tell.*~

(In the fifth year boys' dormitory in Gryffindor Tower, Remus jumps and slams his book shut at the sound of someone running up the stairs.)

Sirius: Moony!

Remus, mockingly: Sirius!

Sirius: You've gotta help me!

Remus: What did you do this time? I told you not to bother Lily when she's… Never mind. What is it?

(Sirius drops to his hands and knees at the end of Remus's bed.)

Sirius: I made a bet.

Remus: Oh, here we go again. It's your fault, not mine, and you promised after the mess you made last time that you wouldn't drag me into any more of your idiotic plans.

Sirius, whining: But this is different! This time you're part of the bet!

(Remus sighs and puts his book on his bedside table, then walks to the end of the bed and sits down.)

Sirius: I'll give you half of it if I win, and twenty Galleons if you at least give it a try!

Remus: Sirius, if this involves trolling one of my tests, you can go…

Sirius: No, no. It's nothing like that. It's more of a… social troll.

Remus: What the bloody hell are you talking about? You look like James just threw you into a dragon's den. Are you blushing? I don't think I've ever seen you…

Sirius: Will you please just let me explain? It'll make more sense, and then we can start haggling for a price for your… services.

Remus: "Services"? James needs to have a lock put on his bank account if he has the kind of money to make THAT kind of a bet. No. No, no, no, no, no!

Sirius: Lupin! Please just let me explain. It's not that bad, but it's not a particularly… pleasant bet. But I promise I'll stay off of your bed if you stay off mine.

(Remus rolls his eyes and nods slowly, not sure what he might be subjecting himself to.)

Sirius: You know that dance the prefects have been organizing?

Remus: The one that's going to be held on Friday?

Sirius: Yeah, the "Slush Ball" or whatever the hell they're calling it. You see, James thinks it would be supremely entertaining if…

Remus: If, what? What does The King want now?

Sirius: He wants me to ask you to…

(Sirius's voice lowers to a whimper.)

Sirius: Please come to the ball with me?

Remus: What? I didn't quite catch that.

Sirius: Don't make me say it again.

Remus: But I didn't hear you. I can't help you if I have no idea what's going on.

Sirius: Fine. Lupin, will you please come to the ball with me?

(Sirius falls forward onto his face into a bow, and Remus's face beams bright red.)

Remus: No. No way.

(Sirius sits up again, his face still maintaining a pink hue.)

Sirius: But he's willing to pay 300 Galleons if we'll do it. I'll give you the 150 and another 30 and… and a bag of licorice wands. And we get full rights to make him do something "not quite as bad", as he says.

Remus: No.

Sirius: Please? I already have something in mind to do to him! And if we get caught, I'll take all the blame. Please? Please? ?!?

Remus: I said no!

Sirius: But the dress isn't even that bad!

Remus: Wait, I would have to wear a dress? No freaking way. You're on you own. Take Snape.

(Sirius makes a retching noise.)

Sirius: Prongs suggested that for 500 Galleons, but that would never happen. And if he said yes, I would die on the way out of the dungeon. Please? How about… 180 and the candy?

Remus: Padfoot, I'm glad you think I'm feminine and stupid, but you didn't change your offer. I'll do it for… 225 and three boxes of chocolate frogs. Three of YOUR boxes.

Sirius: But that's MY chocolate!

Remus: And Friday's MY day away from you, in the library. Pay it, or nay it.

(Sirius groans and slumps forward again.)

Sirius: But that's MY chocolate!

Remus: Come on, Padfoot. I need an answer. Who knows, Lucius might ask me next.

Sirius, grumbling: I'd rather see that anyway.

Remus: Five… four… three… two …o….

Sirius: Alright, alright! But it's gonna be two boxes of chocolate frogs and a bag of licorice wands.

Remus: With a pack of Drooble's, fine. But I swear, I will claw your eyes out if you don't keep up your end of the bargain. Do you understand me?

Sirius: Yes, I understand quite clearly. Prongs is coming up with a list of terms all three of us are going to sign, and he's going to put the money down. I'll split your share with you so you can count it, and I'll get your flipping gum next time we get to Hogsmeade.

Remus: Wait, he's still coming up with ideas for this?

Sirius: Yeah, but we can back out if things get too psychotic. I only bet 30 Galleons, and I make more than that every two weeks off Malfoy and Lestrange.

Remus, sighing: Only The King.

Sirius: Only The King.

********

(At a quarter to five on the day of the Snow Ball, Remus stares in disbelief at himself in front of a mirror in the boys' bathroom. His hair, now much longer thanks to a growth charm, is piled on top of his head in a delicate tower and his face is hidden by globs of Muggle makeup. A high-cut, sparkly lavender dress hangs from his shoulders, and two-inch high heels squeeze his feet. Remus turns and looks up at Sirius sitting on his bed.)

Sirius: It's only for a couple of hours. You don't have to dance or anything.

Remus: I'm a bloody drag queen.

Sirius: Nah. But you are selling your body, in a non-typical kind of way.

Remus: You're a whole lot of help, you know that. Why did I agree to this?

Sirius: Dunno. The sparkles seem to be sinking into your brain, though. You sound just like my last girlfriend.

Remus: Just so you know, this will NOT buy you a date, Sirius.

(Sirius turns pale and freezes.)

Remus: I was only kidding. Honestly, you're the first one to throw a punch but the last one to take a hit.

Sirius: That's not funny. And by the way, you DO look like a queen. You should dance with Prongs. The King would like that.

Remus: Only for another hundred.

Sirius: Why are you so keen on getting rich off this? I've never seen you so greedy before.

Remus: I'm saving up for an encyclopedia set. Costs a fortune, and I don't have much right now. After this, I'll only need another 635 Galleons and I can get it.

Sirius: You're determined.

(Sirius glances at the clock on his bedside table.)

Sirius: Ready?

Remus: I'll never be ready for this.

Sirius: Me neither.

(Sirius offers his arm to Remus, who hesitates before taking it and beginning the walk of ultimate embarrassment.)

********

James: Bloody hell. How'd you get him to do it?

Remus: He didn't get me to do anything, Potter. I chose to.

(James grins and gestures for Remus to have a seat at the table he'd saved. Sirius creeps away, trying to avoid being noticed.)

James: So I was right. You just wanted to go out with Padfoot.

(Remus grimaces and focuses on the basket of flowers in front of him.)

James: Come on, you have to admit it. You've been giving him some interesting looks lately. Haven't you?

Remus: They're called "death glares", James, and if I ever hear you say that, or anything like it again, you'll die a horrible, painful death in the middle of the Forbidden Forest. All alone. And no one will ever find you. Understand?

James: Perfectly. Now, if you'll excuse me…. I'd like to go enjoy my evening with Miss Turner. See you 'round, Lupin.

(James leaves the table and Remus puts his face down on his arms. A Hufflepuff sixth year comes and puts his hand on Remus's shoulder.)

Hufflepuff: Oh, come on. Don't cry. You'll mess up your makeup.

Remus: What, are you in on it, too?

Hufflepuff: I don't know what you're talking about. But you're real pretty. Want to dance?

Remus: No way in this universe. Go eat flobberworms.

(Remus sulks for a few more seconds, then looks around for Sirius. He finds him walking back to the table with two blue goblets and a plate of chocolate bars.)

Remus: I thought you had run off.

Sirius: Nope. We're stuck here together. Just don't go off with any Hufflepuffs. Saw Flicke over here.

Remus, rolling his eyes: As if I'd do anything stupid like that. I'm here for the money.

Sirius: And the chocolate.

Remus: Yes, and the chocolate.

Sirius: You do realize that he's never going to let us live this down, right?

Remus: Of course. But what did you have in mind to do to him?

(Sirius grins and takes a drink from his goblet.)

Sirius: Patience, Moony, patience. I'll tell you the specifics later, but let's just say it involves Lily, Slughorn, and a whole bunch of Polyjuice Potion.

Remus: Interesting. I take it that you're not going home for the holidays.

Sirius: Nope. Care to join me?

Remus: Of course. He's going to regret this.

Sirius: Yes, very much so.

********

(On Christmas morning two weeks later, Remus wakes up to find himself alone in the dormitory. He grabs his robe and creeps downstairs, wondering if Sirius is eating all of the candy the Potters sent each of them every year.)

Remus: Hello? Sirius?

(After getting no reply, he crosses the room to the tree and sees a note perched on top of a massive package on the armchair.)

_Be back in a few hours._

_Don't come looking for me or_

_Filch will figure out where the _

_cauldron is._

_Merry Christmas._

(Remus glances at the post mark stamped onto the package and grins. He rips the paper away and flips through the first volume of the new encyclopedia set.)

Remus: Honestly, Padfoot. Who's side are you on?


End file.
